Penniyam potrudhum

Love marriage is considered as a stigma;especially for women. Controlling a woman is considered as a Man's pride. A man who cannot control women his daughter or sister is considered unmanly. This male chauvinistic pride of controlling women is the major reason for opinions against love marriage. Men could never understand the concept of " how a women could choose life partner of her own?". Haryana,a state where honour killings for caste and same gotra marriage is common, villagers look for brides from other States. Even khap panchayats,the regressive system in villages, are fine with inter-state,inter caste and other language brides. A man can choose his wife ,but a women should not choose. The honour killings of women are only to control and threaten women. A women and her decisions are associated with honour. A women is considered as trophy of honour,rolling trophy that should only be exchanged within a community.A women should marry only as per her family's choice...

There is an algorithm used to find perfect match. Age, gothra, star and horoscope should match. If you succeed in first round ,round two begins. The status,salary,height and weight should match. Education should be either equal or the girl should be less than boy . The actual interview begins only after this. The first round is phonic interview, the next, one-on-one and the last is group interview with family. Matrimonial concepts combine two extreme concepts. Old institutions are updated with new concepts,ideas and technology. Arranged marriage is a patriarchal set up for union of relatives and family. Caste hierarchy, gender Privealage, class division are given importance than romantic relationships. Matrimonial websites first appeared in India in 1996. The life partners are shortlisted based on India's myths and stereotypes using new technologies . Every one in matrimony in search of a perfect life partner,and yet,most were disappointed. Divorcees,widows and widowers face stigm...

A remarkable importance is given to home cooked food; modernization, urbanization,convenience does not count. Food is considered as secret to bond between husband and in-laws. ' 'The family that eats together,stays together' refers to home cooked food in India. Women and kitchen are inseparable in  India. Infact, a women's pride and efficiency lies in her cooking skills. A women may be Doctor, engineer, astronaut, but still the prestige of a family lies in women's cooking skills. Cooking is an art and I don't know how people expect each and everyone of a gender should be interested in it; even expected to master. Cooking is a life skill everyone should learn, irrespective of gender. But how come very women can become an expert in it. Let each and every man and woman learn cooking for a basic level. If some one is so much interested let them master the art. Why should people shame women who cooks average?.                      ...

Most girls and women are still defined by word "marriage". Marriage is the bench mark every women should undergo before certain age. This pressure to get married at young age makes Indian women to leave work force.  Marriage comes with it's own set of  responsibilities of domestic chores, child bearing and rearing,elder care etc. Yesterday's traditional conservative value system and today's liberal value system create conflicts in  women's life. Women demand self respect, self esteem, value and rights. This creates conflicts in families. Men,on the other hand,does not know how to handle their life partner. They are confused by their mother's conservative views and wife's modern views. They end up hurting their wife. A women refuses to accept unfair treatment from husband and in-laws.  Women are encouraged to work. The women's job and salary has become a talking point even in arranged marriage set ups. Matrimonial classified ads,which is the reflec...

Women are believed to lack business skills. Business people are expected to have sons for business lineage. The patriarchal set up of  women leaving her natal home and living in her husband's home have created a havoc in women's business dreams. Women are let to work,not encouraged for business. People fear that it may create a disturbance in finding a good life partner. Even for men,business is encouraged only in business communities. People fear no proofs can be shown for prospective brides / bride grooms. In case of working, the identity cards,Income tax returns and salary certificates exists as valid proof. We all might have seen many company's name as x & brothers, y & sons. Where are companies in the name of x & sisters or z & daughters. Why can't daughters do business with their father or mother?  Is the question in my mind. Why sons are considered as business heir?.  Even in well established businesses , only sons inherit businesses and are expe...

Indians are so obsessed with foreign countries. The idea of working abroad is hammered into each and every man's house. On the other hand, women are often discouraged from foreign education and overseas job . An NRI groom is considered as a boon for india women folk. Many women move to foreign in dependent visas. They are not eligible to work or study in H4 visa. They end up as home makers. In India, a women can attend courses or skill development classes and move to work force. In us/Canada/ gulf countries a women cannot afford education due to high cost of education and cost of living. Even if an NRI women undergoes a course, there is no sure way of getting a job. A person should be skillful and impress a employer to sponsor his visa. The cost of domestic burns a hole in pocket. A middle class cannot afford maid and women end up doing all household chores. They juggle between cooking, cleaning and baby sitting. An NRI Indian will not be willing to do household chores. An NRI wom...

Women are considered as a man's possession. So much importance given to women's virginity.  If you think virginity testing not done on recent time. Then, you are wrong. The kanjarbhat community, around 50,000 people, still follow virginity testing. Located in pimpar chinchwad,this community Is an educated community. Each girl belonging to this community have to follow the virginity testing on the day of her marriage. A white bedsheet is offered to girl and village heads and family members wait outside the room. All sharp objects will be removed from the room. Even glass bangles are not allowed, or often counted.The girl have to show blood shed bedsheet. If there is no blood stains, the girl is considered as impure. The new bride is beaten and even marriage is consummated. A new bride is even expected to undergo agni pariksha. She needs to hold a hot iron rod and need to walk few distance. She might be even immersed under water for 100 counts.  Why a couple should have sex on ...

Rape survivors finds it difficult to register case in police stations. India has many laws against rape but gaps exists in enforcing the laws. Laws mandate police officers to register complains but the reality is very different. Police officials neglect the victims and even lethargic in filing FIRs. Police even pressure the family to settlement, if the perpetrator Is from a powerful background. Police officials pressure rape victims to marry any one of the rapists or opt for out of law financial settlement. Most police officers handling rape cases are men and victims have to tell them about their rape. Training on gender sensitisation is not given to police officials. Gender segregation in our society have led to not understanding the opposite gender.          The law have expanded sexual offences to include stalking and voyeurism. These crimes are not reported to police,even if, considered as petty crimes and given warning. At times, even women are shamed for ...

Son preference is more prelevant among affluent sections of society. Female infanticide did not decrease with prosperity. The male to female sex ratio is skewed in south Delhi, an affluent residential area and Gujarati patel community  Dowry demands are not alone the reason behind female infanticide .It is actually owner ship and division of businesses and property. Men are considered as flag bearers of businesses. A woman cannot take her father's business legacy. She need to move to other's home after marriage. ' why can't women choose being unmarried?, why can't a women marry and live separately? ' are few questions of women. The women who support female infanticide also say 'why should we let them live and suffer the same way as we are suffering?'. It is just like saying there is so much house pollution in city; the best technique to escape is going deaf. You will not cut your ears to escape from loud noise, then how it is okay to Kill girl babies. ...

Prostitution objectifies women and it is a form of slavery. Many women are trapped into prostitution. People argue that many men are hyper sexual;needs more sex.If prostitution does not exist, these men will hunt for women and children and cause havoc to society. This again reinforces the patriarchal phrase "men will be men".  Men can never stop themselves from being violent. Instead, some bodies have to be given to them,to showcase their violence, to prevent them from turning predators. When are we going to ask men to control themselves? ,Who are the scape goats?  . Needless to say, the women we are going to feed these violent men are poor women. Even if Rape can be prevented from prostitution, it is not Justice for women. Rapists does not rape for just sex;rape is about power and control. What is the solution for pedophiles?  Can you say men cannot control sexual urges and so let poor women send their kids for child prostitution.  I hope sensible people cannot agr...

Women are considered as symbol of honour. This is a major factor in sexual crimes during war and communal riots. Patriarchal idea of honouring women based on her virginity,hymen,sexual activity is also main cause of sexual offences. Rape is a crime which hurts women physically and psychologically, but her honour is not lost." Why to place a woman's honour in her vagina?" is my question to all sexist people. Rape cases go unreported due to the value system of virtue and honour.  People used to argue that feminist shout "rape,rape". Rape never existed before feminism and liberation. I have met 2 rape victims who never reported due to fear. Let me share their story.Soundaram was an old widowed women, she was the last women to have her head tonsured and wearing sandal colour saree. She said she was a widow at the age of 16. Her parents could not take her back;as it used to be in her days. She didn't have any children and her parents were poor. she said she wa...

Gender chore gap do exists in our homes. Men do think that they do fair share of household chores but the reality is different. They do more work than their fathers and grandfathers, but not up to the mark. Indian men never prefers to do works like changing diapers,cleaning bathroom and toilets. Those chores are labelled as nasty works and reserved for women. Men does only tutoring,playing with kids and adds it into household chores account. Men associate themselves with bread winning after a child is born, where as women associate them with care taking. I would ask women to not to have high standards in home maintainence.  Every time when I see a tired women trying to clean dishes,organise toys or fold clothes, I would ask whether there is going to be a inspection on home. Women should not hold any value on well-managed home. Many Indian women never allow their men to do chores as they think men would do them wrongly or not up to women's standards. Many women are affected by a di...

Gender pay gap do exists and it is the penalty women pay for child bearing. HR policies does not allow you to ask other employee's salary. I have asked few of my friend's salary, after I quit working. Everytime, I chat with my friends, they will speak about their current company and earnings. I have observed that my male friend's salary is higher than female friends. We all have started our career with the same salary, but  after many job shifting , the salary of male counter parts were much higher. Even HR interview round, lasted long for women, questions ranging from when are you planning to get married, will you have child immediately etc. Child care is cited as the main reason for it. Men are not entitled to take care of children. Paternity leave is given for just 7 to 10 days. Even seven days leave is mocked by bosses .In my marketing department ,an associate level employee was asked, " what are you going to do for delivery? ". The marketing manager was murm...

Ageing has a huge impact on women's lives. Women who are looking younger than their age are praised and celebrated for their efforts. A huge pressure is put on women's  shoulders to look young. They are advised to take care of their skin. Men are allowed to have white hairs and it is considered graceful. A  man with  salt and pepper hair style is considered as confident. Women are advised to apply anti ageing cream after they have reached 30. Even signs of ageing are not allowed on women's  face. Women of all sections of society are taking efforts to make themselves look young. Men are considered to be ageing gracefully like a fine wine. On the other hand,women are not allowed to age. If an man works more than his retirement age he is pitied. His sons and daughters are advised to give them rest. Women are working for their children and grandchildren even in their old age in their homes. "Retirement" is a word not even considered for women. Let a women be working ...

The work that women do at home is also economic activity but it goes unaccounted. Simply changing the word "housewife" to "homemaker" is not enough. "Why should homemaker be paid and how can be paid?" is the question pricking many hearts of Indians. I have felt the same way without putting myself in other's shoes. Yes.Women love their family and they are caregiving for love and affection. Does that mean they don't have preferences, hobbies, interests etc There are women, whose husband will not give any pocket money to spend? Many men simply say that I am buying all groceries, vegetables, milk and why should I give money to you.  Will men accept the same thing? In many joint families, elders control the finances and will not give any money without proper explanation. The explanation should be convincing for them. My mother has said me that in her marital home, sanitary napkins are considered as an unnecessary expense, and the request to purchase ha...

"Women are our mothers,wives,sisters and daughters" is the usual phrase used in supporting feminism. Women deserves respect and equality. It has nothing to do with their relationship with men. People are not ready to respect and treat transgenders equally. The reason behind it is simple ;they are thrown out from their houses. They are no more brother or sister of some one. There education and job will not support a family. Patriarchs connect gender with family and relationship. They argue a women's education and job can support family. Employment of a women should be seen as women empowerment and financial independence. Instead it has been viewed as family money. If a women's salary is not given to husband then her career is considered a waste.she is forces to leave her job and this creates a huge trauma in her. Women are equal citizens of society. They have right to education,right to work,right to marry of their choice. They don't need to be a wife,daughter or ...

I once watched in "Neeya Naana" , a Tamil debate show in which women demanded dowry from their mothers. Women have asked gold,rental property,silk sarees and dresses. Those women were trolled and character assassinated. Dowry is evil to society but why women ask dowry and burden their family. I was amazed by the new problem. I started observing this issue and found out the root cause. From childhood girls gets annoyed by the preferential treatment their brothers get. Even though a girl loves her brother this approach towards her makes her despise her brother. This sibling rivalry a women developes due to differential treatment is shown during her marriage. A women feels she is entitled to dowry as her brother got all the good things from their family. A girl child as young as 6 hears that her brother will take care of family and shoulder her marriage responsibilities. The other reason is insecurity associated with marriage. A man never understand this concept as they will ne...

Stand up comedians succeed only  by degrading women. Each and every man portrays as is he is innocent and his wife fights with in-laws,keeps on shopping and cooks worst food. Men mock at their wife's cooking skills. They don't speak of any other remarkable skills of their wife. Today's women learn to cook only after marriage. How do you expect?perfect round chappatis in first attempt? How can all women have same interests? Can people accept if comedians poke fun at men's skills and earnings. Why should  a women spend so much time on kitchen? A man or women should spend their most time towards achieving their ambition. Standup comedians taunt at their wives food and how they had it, and the after results. Comedians make fun of refrigerator. They describe how the same food recycled or served next day by their spouse. Why can't men cook? Most men don't know anything about cooking and they don't know anything about the efforts involved. If a spinach curry is du...

Why should a women should have a title as Miss or Mrs? Men are addressed as Mr. Why my marital status is given so much importance? The option Ms is not available in most forms. If a women mentions Ms in any of her form then she is assumed to be old and unmarried or divorcee. This creates a lot of embrassment for women in public. In bank forms,hospital forms,government Identity cards and ration cards everything requires you to tick a salutation. Women does not belong to anyone then why should a women's Identity should be always based on her marital status.  People relate women's working status with form title. A home maker or a working women both are going to pay for the services they use. If title on hospital forms are used in diagnosing and treating patients then what would be the future of health care? A married women may be not sexually active or an unmarried women can have sex. This title box can not be considered in diagnosing patients. A neutral title irrespective of mar...

The most underrated problem of women is identity. A man is never expected to change himself. The problem of identity is at peak in women's marital home. A woman is expected to change her dressing style, cooking style and habits in her new home. Men even does not know what is mean by adjustment. It is always put on shoulders of women and it is imposed to such a level that a woman loses her identity. Women lose themselves for the sake of love and marriage. I once said my friends that i came to know my mother's original name only after my father's demise; her sari draping style too changed. One of my friend said that your father died when you were just 6 and so you might have noticed only these things. She said that her mother was once trying her sister's salwar to wear it for a tour. She was amazed of it. Her mother replied to her that her father did not allow her to wear it. My friend said that her mother's cooking style changed and she made few new items she never...

The most important role of women is giving birth to son. Even in educated families a women should give birth to atleast one son. A women who gave birth to son is praised even in Urban localities. Even a 10th grade student knows sex is determined by chromosomes but still the burden of giving birth to boy is put on women's shoulder. A pregnant women is blessed by every one to have a boy baby. If a baby girl is born then family is consoled by words like think like goddess Lakshmi. No women is blessed on functions to have goddess Lakshmi . If a women undergoes infertility treatment then people around her are worried of birth of twin girls. People even ask infertility specialists whether they can choose sex of baby. People fear of dowry. People are not against dowry,they only fear of it. There is a firm belief that male is the heir of the family. Women cannot carry family name,legacy,gothra,family ancestral temple, caste etc. A women should live in their marital home as per their norms...

Many people believe Feminism creates complication in families. How  two equal people can create imbalance in family. If a wife earns more than her husband it is good for the family. The family flourishes all over. If wife is more educated and talented than husband what is wrong? Patriarchy and misogyny have spoiled my family. My mother's educational dreams were shattered to create a good family. My mother used to say me that my father was misguided by his sister and mother that educated women would never be submissive. They will speak against husband and will not respect them. It took  my mother 5 years to convince him and she did her graduation using correspondence education.My father suffered from ulcer and had his surgery. He was advised to take rest for a year. He could not take ample rest as he was the sole bread winner of the family. He was worried of what would happen to family if he dies. He sent my mother to typewriting,computer courses. He died of sun stroke. My mot...

" What difference can speech create ?" is the common question people ask about feminism. Everything did not change/happened of just laws. People have changed their attitude towards women by listening about feminism.Subramaniya Bharathi,great poet,changed his attitude towards his wife when Niveditha Devi explained to him about feminism. People think that their relatives are out dated and there is no point in talking to them about feminism. Many feminists don't even share their feministic ideas with their own parents. They believe it can create arguments between them. Friends,family and relatives are close circle and they love you and respect you. They may argue with you but they will think about what you have said. Youngsters have this habit of moving away from anything that disturbs them. The moment feminists move away from relatives ,the space is occupied by male chauvinists. They influence people around them. They create family and relatives WhatsApp group and FB group...

In south India there is a practice of life time installment dowry.  It varies from religion and caste. A girl's parents have to buy gold jewellery to son-in-law for diwali.Ring,bracelet or chain would be given based on status. A girl's parents have to buy new dresses for them and need to make or buy many sweets and give to them while they leave. For pongal/sankranti  all materials for celebrating the festival have to be  borne by girl's family. There is a big list for each and every celebration,function and even till death. A poor women could not even enjoy her pregnancy fearing baby shower expenses and hospital expenses. In 19th century an Indian women would go to her  mother's house for her child birth and delivery was done by women in their family. A mother could give her more comfort during delivery than her in-laws. Why should the same be applied today? Why can't a marital home take care of women's child birth. Why can't they  bear the expenses? . A gi...

My mother decided to send us to boarding school so that she can work even till late night. This was ridiculed by my grandmother and many other relatives. People said if you send your kids to hostel they will not know to love people, they will  not respect elders,they will not know to cook and clean and they are girls;if not you can't live with them forever. My mother's first priority was our safety and care. Is that compulsory for school children to learn cookery. Cookery can be learnt even during college days.In hostel,children are expected to do their work by themselves. We have learnt few basic cooking. I believe that was enough for children. People have few negative thoughts of staying away from home. My friend's higher education dream was shattered due to their parent's fear of hostel. "Will she get a good proposal and will people believe her character?"  are few questions popping in people's mind. Women are discouraged from renting house. Problems b...

People with sexist ideas used to say "what feminism have changed?". Feminism have changed women's lives. The problem is that we have forgot to notice it. Elders in our families have stopped saying everything about their generation. They flatter only about good things about their generation. They don't talk of cruelty and harassment faced by people in their generation. I had an opportunity to hear about the  life of my grand mother and great grand mother. It made me understand how feminism changed lives of women. I feel it is important to each and every women to know about the lives of women of their generation. This helps in understanding the transformation in women's lives. More than reading about women's lives in different centuries, this make us understand feminism ,as the women involved were related to us . My great grand mother was married when she was 6 to a 10 year old boy. She was considered lucky to marry a young boy as many girls of her age were mar...

My father passed away when I was 6. My mother,me and my sister came to my grandmother's home.My grandmother was always whining and moaning about my father's death and leaving two daughters to be taken care of. She was worrying about my marriage when I was 6. I don't know where my father went. I could not understand concept of death and her constant whining made me stressed. She loved my cousin more than us; for him being a boy.  He was her only grand son and she considered him as a blessing to the family. He was treated well and he was not expected to do any household chores. I really felt bad about it  by that time. I could not understand why girls are not given good treatment. When I was in my grade 7,me and my friend chitter -chattered about her friend and I said" what would happen to his chastity?"   In a jocular mood. My warden,who is also a teacher asked" what? Women should only follow chastity? Then what about men" . This made me think of the con...

Many people shame feminist without even knowing what feminism is.  Male chauvinists blame women for each and every bad things happening around them. Thanks to Indian cinema, that made people believe that feminists are people who are against men and have short hair,wear short skirts, does not know to cook and are against mother milk. What a projection of feminists? Feminists are not against men they are against patriarchy ,which is against humanity. Feminism is blamed for rapes,unemployment,violence, divorce and dowry cases.The word feminism is misunderstood and there is an aversion towards feminists. If a man mentions himself as a feminist, then he is a good and kind person. He is lectured on bad effects of feminism and advised not to be so soft and feel pity on women. If a women is a feminist she is arrogant ,and they are the one who spoil our society. My friend was advised to unfollow all her feminist Facebook groups as it would put her in bad light. Her mother said she will be ...